I have a journal with all my thoughts. Every feeling I have is written in there. It is my book of hope. It's naive and oblivious. 

Chapter 7414: Love

My parents came to visit me.

I really needed their presence. 

I wanted to see them so badly. 

To be wrapped up in my mom’s warm arms protecting me from the world.

To see the corner of my dad’s eyes wrinkle up as he smiles at me. 

I feel love.

Chapter 7416: 

My parents left and all I feel is empty. 

My hope has left me. 

They left their traces of their love all around my house, so I know they are not completely gone.

I told them not to.

They bought me fruits and food to let me know that this was their way of showing love. 

I got mad.

I told my Dad to not do too much for me. 

That I didn’t need all this food. 

Because I knew that the better he treated me now, the more I would think about him after he left.

Because everything would remind me of him.

I want to be able to treat him well and buy him the things he bought for me but more.

I want to be able to show him my love, too.

I want to give him the world, too.

But I am not at the point in my life where I can give as much as I want to. 

And while I was getting mad, he just listened to me… 

quietly.

Then he said, 

“Ok. I’m going to go now!”

Not in a sad tone, 

or a mad tone. 

Which would have made me feel better.

But in a nonchalant tone.

I started to cry.

I couldn’t stop.

I didn’t want him to go.

I wanted him to stay.

I wanted to go with him. 

I didn’t get mad because I wasn’t grateful.

I didn’t even get mad because I was mad. 

I just didn’t want him to go.

My mom started to nag me. 

She was nagging me about how my room was too dark.

And how my room was too empty.

I hate when my mom nags me.

When she was leaving, she nagged me again.

That I came outside to say goodbye to her in clothes that were too thin.

That I should be eating more vitamins.

That I needed to take care of myself.

My face crinkled up and my throat started to close.

I wrapped my arms around her, and she stayed in my embrace.

She nagged me again.

To stop crying.

That the salt from my tears would dry out my face.

She got mad that I came to school so far away from home.

That I should’ve stayed back home, so I could go home every weekend.

So she could see me more often.

I didn’t understand why my mom would nag me before.

I thought it was because she didn’t like me.

But when she was in my arms about to leave, 

I wanted her to continue to nag me.

To tell me everything she was thinking. 

Because that was her way of showing me love.

And my dumbass didn’t know.

Oblivious.

I just wanted to hear her voice for longer. 

Chapter 7417: A Slice of Apple

I keep thinking about my parents.

I invited my friends over for a cup of tea.

I cut up an apple that my dad bought me in the way my mom cuts apples.

I gave it to my friend.

She started bawling. 

I was so confused.

She said I cut it with love and that it made her miss her parents. 

We are children who just want our parent’s love.

Chapter 7420: Ignorance is Bliss

I woke up with an allergic reaction.

My eyes are twice the size of what they are supposed to be.

I have to go to the doctor’s office today.

Today I skipped class.

It is not something I am proud of. 

In fact, I feel quite guilty of it.

But not as guilty as I should feel.

I feel a sense of freedom. 

Like I am free from a weighted blanket that tied me down.

Because essentially, this is a class I signed up for because I am supposed to like it.

I don’t like it.

I can’t force myself to do something I don’t want to do.

So in a sense, I am glad for my allergic reaction.

It gives me hope to avoid doing what I don’t want to do.

I went to the doctor and she told me that I was having a stress reaction, and the stress was causing my immune system to shut down. After she said that, I couldn’t really hear anything else. I was just in a state of confusion where I didn’t understand what I was doing with my life. Why am I letting this happen to me? Why is something I love so much giving me so much pain? I didn’t understand. It doesn’t make sense. What I love should be making me happy. I gave up my life at home to come here and become happier doing what I love. But now that it has engulfed my soul and reason for being, I am unable to do anything without being constantly filled with fear. 

I came back home from the doctors with my feet dragging in the leaves. 

I knew I was not ok. 

I don’t really have hope for my future.

Chapter 7421: To Be Part of Nature is to Be Part of the Will to Live

My best friend told me to be ready by 11.

He picked up me and my friends, and we were off on a road trip.

After a peaceful drive, we ended up at a state park to go on a hike.

The hike started off fine. Everywhere we looked we were surrounded by trees towering over us as we were engulfed in the fall foliage. I felt so small (in a good way).

The mountain was so steep. I thought it was going to be a flat land trail, but instead it was a steep hill and our trail was huge rocks. I knew I could make it up, but I was really worried about coming down the trail. Every step I took and rock I stepped on, I was filled with fear. I was constantly worried about my ankles. If I slipped here on this mountain, it would take too long to go down, and I don’t know if my ankles can even afford to have any more fractures.

You know when you are filled with fear and you feel it with your body. Yeah. My heart was racing, and my hands were cold. Every part of my body was filled with fear, and it just kept building up in my head. 

We didn’t hit the summit. We just went halfway, sat on some rocks, and talked about our life.

The world was quiet except for the slight breeze making the leaves shiver and the sound of my friends breathing. As I sat on these rocks, I realized how insignificant my concerns were. What would fame and success mean if I didn’t have people I loved by my side along the way? I am grateful to have people in my life I am able to love. You can’t do anything on your own. It also would mean nothing if you did it on your own. There is only so much you can show yourself and love yourself. By loving other people, I am loving myself. 

How lucky am I to have people I can love?!

We started going down the mountain. I was still filled with fear, but also with the added awareness that if I do not get my ass down this mountain I would be stuck up in this state of misery. I let my friend go first. I watched his steps to know what rocks were safe to step on. Before I knew it, I was skipping my way down. The rocks were not as steep as I imagined, and it was even a little fun. I had enough fear left in me to be cautious, but not as much to stop me from going down. I laughed with my friends as we frolicked through the trees.

I just have to do things with fear. 

Because maybe then, it won’t be as bad as I have imagined it to be.

Chapter 7422: Joyce Kang

Chapter 7422: Joyce Juri Kang

Chapter 7422: Juri Kang

I just changed my name, Just right now. To Juri. 

Evidence of good things.

Right?

My parents named me Joyce, but I was only called Joyce when I got in trouble.

Or was lost in Costco.

So, unless I am in trouble or in Costco.

I am not really sure who Joyce is.

It became really fun for me. Joyce and Juri were two different personas.

I said my name was Joyce when I first came to college because I was scared. 

I don’t know who Joyce is, so whatever people perceive of me was not actually me. 

I think I am ready to be Juri now.

I mean I always was.

I was just not ready to be Juri to the world.

But I think I will try even with fear. 

My name is Juri.

It means to bring hope and joy to others.

Joyce also means the same thing.

Juri is my Korean name.

I have never met anyone else with the name Juri.

So it makes it feel like this name is mine. 

This is The Book of Juri.

I started it because I have hope.